Working Towards Self-Acceptance
I saw a quote floating around social media last week and I couldn’t help but share it. Truthfully, I cried when I read it. I cried at the accuracy of the statement and at the power the words held in relation to my own experiences.
My eating disorder’s golden rule is to have me eat as little as possible. Essentially, before entering treatment, I was starving myself. No matter how much I willed to get better and improve my quality of life, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of starvation. I wanted to break free from it so badly, but I was held prisoner by the thoughts in my head.
Why did I starve myself? Some of it was habitual. After ten years of anorexia, there were some unhealthy habits that I just couldn’t quite get out of. But a lot of what I was doing was fuelled by my complete and utter disregard for my worth. “I hate myself” was a phrase I caught myself saying way too often. However, until I read this quote, I didn’t quite realize the magnitude of what I was doing.
I would never, ever starve someone to death. So why was I doing it to myself? I must hate myself a whole lot.
Now, I am working to undo the feelings and behaviour patterns of self-hatred. I can’t quite say I love myself. I don’t even really accept myself yet. I am learning, though, to tolerate. To tolerate not only my body and my weight, but also who I am as a person.
Eating disorders are mean. They are nasty illnesses that rob us of the many simple pleasures in life. It’s hard to manage a life when you have a critical voice nagging at you every day of the week. Recovery is not an easy process, and sometimes I wonder why, ten years later, I haven’t given up yet. But something is keeping me going. Something is keeping me in the fight. And I’m sure there are reasons for you to fight back, too.