The Real Reason Why I've Been Kind Of Absent On This Blog
I have to first apologize for my lack of content on here.
I’ve been having a really hard time sitting myself down and writing blog posts for you every week, and I know I have been neglecting the blog a little bit.
Here’s what’s going on.
Number 1 is the fact that I have been adjusting to my new career at my new job. I am a month in, and still loving it every day. But I spend my days on social media so in the evenings, I find myself less willing to get on my laptop and engage in more screen time.
Number 2 is because my sister and her husband are expecting a baby any day now, and for a couple of weeks in early January, I was busy planning her baby shower (which I do have to say was pretty successful). A lot of my time was spent organizing and setting up and cleaning up, and I was pretty exhausted.
Reason number 3, and probably the most important reason, is that I have been dealing with depressive thoughts. I choose my words here very carefully, and because I have never been diagnosed with depression, I don’t want to say that I have been depressed, per say. But my days have felt pretty clouded by dark and negative thoughts and it has really been taking a toll on my mood.
I am so close to giving up on myself, and I want people to understand the gravity that is mental illness. We can’t run away from our thoughts, and that alone can make life pretty damn difficult. I wish there was a magic pill, or even a magical solution, to cure whatever it is I (and we, if you relate) are going through. But as everyone knows, there is no cure for mental illness. There is only tolerating it and managing it and working day in and day out to not let it overtake our lives.
And I’m pretty f**cking tired of it.
I try and be as happy and as optimistic as possible, and I try to stay appreciate of the life that I have been given. But truth be told, these past few weeks have been far from positive. Despite having a great job and loving friends and family, I am having a hard time remaining hopeful when my eating disorder is still unrelenting and incessantly present.
So how does this relate to the blog?
For the past two weeks or so, I have been really in my head. I haven’t had the heart to write, even though I still find writing therapeutic. I was tired of feeling negative and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about how I was feeling. Even with the encouragement from my friends, I cancelled my therapy appointment because I wanted to avoid how I was feeling. (Before you come down on me too hard for this, I actually rescheduled the appointment for tomorrow afternoon. So no need to worry).
I’m trying to “get out of my head” more by seeing friends and family, and focusing on work, but I want to be honest with you and say my depressive thoughts are louder than they have ever been. I am hoping it’s just a phase… maybe an exaggerated version of the “mid-winter blues”. But I also know that what I am feeling is very real.
Before anyone says my mood is due to the fact that I am underweight, trust me, I hear you. But I don’t really believe the two are related. And even if they were, simply “eating more” is the very essence of what I am struggling with anyways, and doesn’t help me with the way I am feeling RIGHT NOW.
We’ll see what happens in therapy tomorrow. I still want to cancel, but I gave my therapist my word that I would be there. I don’t expect it to be easy, and I don’t expect it to fix anything, either. But i’m trying to go into the appointment with an open mind.
So there you have it. The real reason why I’ve been kind of absent on this blog is because I’m feeling sad and hopeless and overwhelmed. I am not asking for pity, but I am asking for your understanding as to why I haven’t been so present both online and offline.
A new week starts tomorrow, and I’m trying not to go into it feeling as though hope is lost. I hope you can join me in the fight and the will to continue on.
Sending you all my truest and warmest thoughts. For those of you who made it to the end of this post (I apologize, I know it’s a long one) - thank you. Thank you for valuing me enough to spend your time reading my “all over the place” thoughts.