It's Loud Upstairs
It's loud upstairs. And by upstairs, I mean in my head.
For those of you in eating disorder recovery, I am sure you are familiar with the "voices" in your head. One voice, the healthy voice, is constantly at war with the eating disorder voice, creating a lot of internal "arguing" that can feel overwhelmingly loud at times.
Said arguing might look a little something like this:
- "Eat" vs. "No, don't eat".
- "This portion is just what I need" vs. "This portion is way too big".
- "You need to gain some weight" vs. "Gaining weight is the worst thing you could do".
- "You deserve recovery" vs. "You are worthless".
- "Your body is just fine" vs. "Your thighs are humongous".
These days, there is constant chatter in my head, which makes it very hard to be present in the moment. Every day tasks are more cumbersome, physically and mentally, because it takes extra energy to focus on what I am doing since I am continually distracted by the two opposing voices dictating my every move.
Unfortunately, the only thing we can do to "quiet the noise" is to quite literally continue to fight the eating disorder voice. From my experience, the illness does get less strong the more we challenge it. We just need to persist in the fight.
The thing is, at first, the illness will panic. The illness will resist. The illness will scream back at any move you make towards health. It will feel so, so easy to just give in at this point - but stand firm. Don't give in to the illness. Stand firm and repeatedly argue for YOU - the healthy you.
So, forgive me if I seem a little grumpy - the voices don't allow me to sleep well. Forgive me if I seem a little distracted - the incessant arguing is loud. And forgive me if I make some unhealthy choices - the eating disorder voice, while becoming less strong, is still very overbearing. But I continue to fight.
I will win the war.