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Hi.

Welcome to my blog! I'll be documenting my journey through eating disorder recovery. Read on to find out more!

I'm Not Okay... Yet

I'm Not Okay... Yet

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end". 


This week was emotional. I experienced highs and lows characteristic of life in general. But sometimes the lows were so low that it felt like I couldn't continue on with treatment. 

Like many others I'm sure, I have a very, very self-critical voice. That voice criticizes every aspect of my appearance but also digs deep and gets at my personality too. I get filled with hatred directed towards myself; hatred for myself as a human being. Worthless. Unlovable. I expressed numerous times that all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and never come out. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. 

The hard thing is, when I feel so negative, my gut reflex is still to not eat. Restrict, restrict, restrict. I crave that instant gratification of the soothing that accompanies depriving yourself of food when you suffer from anorexia. 

Somehow, on Thursday morning, I convinced myself that it would be a good day. I did my hair and make-up and walked out of my bedroom with faith that things would be okay. And they were. I laughed and I joked and I played. The old me was coming back. I saw a side of myself that had been dormant for so long. Even my doctor said: "I wish I could videotape this right now". I was happy.

Today, Sunday, the negative voices telling me that I'm not good enough are back. I spent hours trying on outfits and realizing that I "can't" wear a lot of my clothes anymore because they don't look good. I cried my way through lunch because I was so full and feared I would be sick. I isolated in my room and refrained from engaging in group activities because the voices in my head were so mean, and I was miserable. 

Yet all of this doesn't erase what happened on Thursday. Those moments are what I'm fighting for. They are far and few between but I am keeping up the fight in the hopes that my mood will continue to improve. In the hopes that there will be more moments to "videotape". 

I'm not okay... yet. I am at a healthy weight and I am feeding myself well but I still face my inner demons every damn day. And then there are the times when I smile. And laugh. And joke. And play.

I am slowly becoming me. 

 

Two Weeks Of Hell

Two Weeks Of Hell

Why I Was Almost Asked To Leave Treatment

Why I Was Almost Asked To Leave Treatment