I'm Not Okay... Yet
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end".
This week was emotional. I experienced highs and lows characteristic of life in general. But sometimes the lows were so low that it felt like I couldn't continue on with treatment.
Like many others I'm sure, I have a very, very self-critical voice. That voice criticizes every aspect of my appearance but also digs deep and gets at my personality too. I get filled with hatred directed towards myself; hatred for myself as a human being. Worthless. Unlovable. I expressed numerous times that all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and never come out. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
The hard thing is, when I feel so negative, my gut reflex is still to not eat. Restrict, restrict, restrict. I crave that instant gratification of the soothing that accompanies depriving yourself of food when you suffer from anorexia.
Somehow, on Thursday morning, I convinced myself that it would be a good day. I did my hair and make-up and walked out of my bedroom with faith that things would be okay. And they were. I laughed and I joked and I played. The old me was coming back. I saw a side of myself that had been dormant for so long. Even my doctor said: "I wish I could videotape this right now". I was happy.
Today, Sunday, the negative voices telling me that I'm not good enough are back. I spent hours trying on outfits and realizing that I "can't" wear a lot of my clothes anymore because they don't look good. I cried my way through lunch because I was so full and feared I would be sick. I isolated in my room and refrained from engaging in group activities because the voices in my head were so mean, and I was miserable.
Yet all of this doesn't erase what happened on Thursday. Those moments are what I'm fighting for. They are far and few between but I am keeping up the fight in the hopes that my mood will continue to improve. In the hopes that there will be more moments to "videotape".
I'm not okay... yet. I am at a healthy weight and I am feeding myself well but I still face my inner demons every damn day. And then there are the times when I smile. And laugh. And joke. And play.
I am slowly becoming me.