I Did Something "Scary"... (And What It Is May Surprise You)
I sent an email last weekend.
An email to a dietitian.
I hesitated for a couple weeks about whether or not to contact her. You see, I haven't had the greatest history with dietitians. I have worked with some of the best, both in Montreal and in New York, but the problem lies entirely with me: I never listen to them.
It's not that I don't trust them. I have learned over the years (this has been a long and drawn out process, though) that NO dietitian I have worked with thus far has had any intention to trick me or be sneaky in an attempt to get me to gain weight, or gain weight "too fast". They have all been nothing but professional and knowledgeable.
Again, the problem lies with me. Rather, it lies with my anorexia. This strong illness of mine can manipulate my thoughts to such extremes, and lead me to believe that qualified nutritionists and dietitians are, quite simply, wrong.
"What do you mean a proper meal is to have carbs, protein, AND fat?".
"What do you mean I'm supposed to gain X pounds by our next appointment?".
"What do you mean it's "healthy" to eat fried chicken for lunch?".
My eating disorder is constantly arguing against and refuting the advice given to me by professionals. The thing is, most of the time, I listen to these arguments and don't even bother challenging what I can readily tell you are irrational thoughts. Obviously I know that the dietitians I have seen have more knowledge and expertise with regards to nutrition. Yet somehow, the eating disorder has become strong enough to disregard all of this and persuade me that "I" (read: anorexia) knows best.
Despite all of this, I reached out last week to a dietitian I know and have worked with before. My email was not without hesitation. Quite the opposite - it was filled with hesitation. I told her I was nervous to reach out. Because booking sessions with her would mean I would need to COMMIT to making some dietary changes. And NOTHING is more threatening to an eating disorder than a change in meal plan (because what if, God forbid, that change leads to weight gain?!)
The point is, I am (almost) willing to start listening. I am almost, somewhat, kind of ready to start taking advice from professionals and working with them instead of against them. As loud as my eating disorder is in my head right now ("DON'T TRUST THEM!"), I know I need to take some steps to prioritize ME and my health.
Negative habits are hard to break. Eating disorder habits are even tougher to tear apart. I feel my motivation rising, yet my actions are lagging behind. So, I'm going to be honest and say: "I need help". I've been trying to do the eating thing on my own for awhile now, and I have made progress. But right now, I need to push myself even more.
I trust the dietitian I emailed, and I have my first appointment scheduled. I need to establish a new structure, and fight with all my energy to combat the nasty illness telling me that it knows better.
It's gonna be one heck of a ride.
Maybe the first step can be making my banana oatmeal chocolate chip muffins? Find the recipe by clicking the box below.