I Want To Be Transparent With All Of You...
I’m going back to treatment. Tomorrow.
Things haven’t been going according to “plan”. Ever since my discharge from the hospital in New York last September, I’ve been trying to manage my eating disorder with the help of family, friends, and my outpatient treatment team here in Montreal. I’ve had some successes - some moments where I have “won” over the eating disorder voice in my head.
And then there have been times where I have dug myself deeper and deeper into the dark hole that is anorexia. I attempted to get out of the hole when I started a Day Program in June, but I couldn’t maintain the momentum I had gained during my six weeks in the program.
What I ask of you is not to pity me, and not to judge me, either. I am no stranger to eating disorder treatment centres, and I am aware that I need to get a hold of this illness once and for all. Trust me, I get it.
I wish I weren’t in this situation again. I wish I could have been able to pick myself up when I fell and instead maintain a regular, adult life. But my anorexia is too strong right now and before I give up on recovery completely, I am asking for professional support. And I am lucky to be offered the chance to receive it.
Am I courageous for continuing the decade-long fight? Or am I weak for remaining stuck in an illness that doesn’t offer me any kind of benefit?
Please don’t answer those questions.
All I know is - the fight for my health continues. The struggles with weight gain and body acceptance are sure to come up, and I am preparing myself for the torture that anxiety will bestow upon me. But, after ten years, I can assure you that I am still fighting. A couple of weeks ago, I was ready to call it quits. I was ready to throw my hands up in the air and let anorexia take me. But not today.
I will do my best to fight for my life and I hope you can see my admission as a sign of resiliency and strength in the face of hardship. Truthfully, I don’t see it that way… yet. One day, though, I know I will. I know I will be able to acknowledge that I did not take the easy route and I stood up to the biggest demon in my life - the eating disorder voice in my head.
Let’s get this process started.