Dear Diary: I'm Disappointed In Myself
On Friday, I panicked.
I am scheduled to remain in Day Hospital from 9:30am-7:30pm, Tuesday to Friday, every week. But on Friday, I just couldn’t do it.
I wasn’t well from the start. I weighed myself that morning, and was not happy to see that the number had jumped up quite a bit from the day before. Yet still, I showered, got ready, and headed out the door to treatment.
The morning went by okay, and I participated well in the group discussions. But something felt off. Lunch was extremely difficult and I had to supplement with an Ensure to make up for the food I couldn’t finish. The anxiety really came to fruition afterwards, when we had to sit at the table for twenty minutes waiting for dessert, which took longer than necessary due to a dysfunctional oven.
During those twenty minutes, I started to panic. I hate waiting at the table after meals - typically, I just want to get up out of my seat and distract myself from the feelings of guilt and anxiety that accompany eating. The fact that I couldn’t leave the table, and had to wait to be served a dessert that I didn’t really want to (but had to) eat, really made me upset.
After lunch, I tried to distract myself, but I was still feeling very unsettled. So, I went to the office and told the staff I was leaving. I packed up my stuff and headed out the door, crying as I walked to the metro.
I was so disappointed in myself. I was mad at the fact that anxiety is starting to rule my life again. I had thought I had a good handle on it, but I even had to miss Tuesday in treatment because I was too stressed to leave the house. On Friday, I realized I wasn’t anxious about anything in particular, and that made me frustrated. I felt like my generalized anxiety was coming back.
I was able to calm down once I got home. I made myself a cup of coffee and watched a couple of YouTube videos to relax, and eventually had dinner and left for book club. It would have been so much easier to stay in and isolate from the world, but I knew I needed to push myself to see people that night.
I’m disappointed because instead of staying in treatment, I let anxiety take control, and I left early. The anxiety I was experiencing dictated my every move that afternoon, and I am mad that I wasn’t able to lean on the staff or my peers for support. All I knew was that I needed to get out of that environment and go somewhere I felt safer.
I hope the team doesn’t see my early departure as a lack of motivation, or a lack of commitment. I was really struggling, and maybe escaping treatment wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with my anxiety. But the problem with anxiety is that sometimes it forces you into a certain state of mind where you don’t make the most rational decisions.
Tomorrow is a new week. A new chance to take my eating disorder and my generalized anxiety into my own hands and work through the tough times. Despite the title of this blog post, I’m trying not to focus on feeling disappointed or guilty for my actions. Because that truly will get me nowhere.
Wishing you all a great week, and as always, thanks for reading.